nd the edges of the hole in my chest。 I took one hand from
the steering wheel and
wrapped it around my torso to hold it in one piece。
It will be as if I'd never existed。 The words ran through my head； lacking the
perfect clarity of my
hallucination last night。 They were just words； soundless； like print on a
page。 Just words； but they ripped
the hole wide open； and I stomped on the brake； knowing I should not drive
while this incapacitated。
I curled over； pressing my face against the steering wheel and trying to
breathe without lungs。
I wondered how long this could last。 Maybe someday； years from now—if the
pain would just decrease
to the point where I could bear it—I would be able to look back on those few
short months that would
always be the best of my life。 And； if it were possible that the pain would
ever soften enough to allow me
to do that； I was sure that I would feel grateful for as much time as he'd
given me。 More than I'd asked
for； more than I'd deserved。 Maybe someday I'd be able to see it that way。
But what if this hole never got any better？ If the raw edges never healed？ If
the damage was permanent
and irreversible？
I held myself tightly together。 As if he'd never existed； I thought in
despair。 What a stupid and
impossible promise to make！ He could steal my pictures and reclaim his gifts；
but that didn't put things
back the way they'd been before I'd met him。 The physical evidence was the
most insignificant part of the
equation。 I was changed； my insides altered almost past the point of
recognition。 Even my outsides
looked different—my face s